Life is real tough right now. 

BahBi's been dead for over a week and I still find myself crying. 

Yesterday was the day to go to the bank and get our signatures notarized on the sale agreement for the store. I was surprised to feel the tears coming when I walked out of the bank. Oh well. Another ending.

I like this one: "Beginnings are scary, and endings are sad, and we live mostly in the moments in between".

So I'm sad and scared and feel quite alone in the world. Why am I so empty?

Maybe that's my in between.

And So It Goes

There are too many items and issues and details. I'm looking for my inspiration. I'm looking for my life. I'm looking for a feeling of happiness, and joy, and peace of mind. A feeling I did something right, or good, or that someone cares about me.

I am thankful BahBi survived surgery and has only vomited once in the 48 hours with his feeding tube. I've learned to feed him, and get IV fluids into him from a bag that hangs from the ceiling. I've never had to face something like this alone with him, but I think I'm holding up quite nicely. And now since the vet has trained me, I'll be taking care of her cats when she goes on vacation. Injections, IV bags, tube feeding...yeah, I can do that.

Of course I'm dancing around the elephant in the kitchen. Why money has become such a problem after so many years of prosperity is sobering. Great incentive to turn it around. I'm trying. Balancing that and Full Time Cat Nurse. His feedings are 3 hours apart now, instead of every half hour.  That helps a lot. But the money will flow. I think as soon as I know which direction to go in.

Last Night

Just when I get lulled into the false sense that someone really gives a damn about me I hear you say "I'm not going to help you".....

Have I ever said that to you???????? Would I ever tell you I wouldn't help you do anything you'd ever ask me????

Gawd....so...yes, I AM alone...and this must be a divine  sign from Spirit: that I'm not to trust anyone to help me.

Never.

Today

OK..I admit..I'm doing this because I have to post every day.

Can I go home now?

I only have a few minutes, but it's a good thing to mention now: this new attitude I'm trying. 

See, I've asked for various people to help me with various items and issues and EVERYONE has flaked out. 

That's OK, because with this new attitude of mine now I can flake out, too.

I'll get into my background later.

For now all that is really necessary is to know that I am loved.

By who? Well, when I tell my mom and dad I love them THEY tell me they love me, too.

I just wish they knew who I was.

It kinda takes the joy out of the whole thing.

Like when my ex-husband used to say he loved me.

Problem was he didn't know the meaning of the word.

It kinda took the joy out of the whole thing...

I'm writing this to preserve my sanity. I'm not sure if I want anyone to read it, but somehow I hope it leads to making money. That's my biggest concern now. Money. Or lack thereof. If only I had more money then....

I'd pay my bills.

I wouldn't get scared when I think BahBi is sick.

I'd take the train to see Mom and Dad.

Probably in that order.

I talked to someone yesterday who recently lost everything financially. She did everything right. Just like I did. And now we sit here wondering what's next.

That's the scary part.